The Go-Between – Children Resolving Their Parent’s Issues

In the introduction blog in this series on the ‘parentified child’, I explained the harmful effects it produces in a child’s emotional and psychological development.  Harmful effects that can, and often do, extend right through into adult life – you can read it here. 

As I explained in part 1, what a parentified child experiences and the type of adult they become is directly related to the home environment they grow up in. Although it is generally taken for granted or seen as instinctive that kids should grow up in a nourishing and safe environment, we know that is not the reality. Academic research has repeatedly shown that children that are thrust into parentification roles because of a dysfunctional home environment can suffer from a range of emotional and psychological issues that result in poorer life-outcomes and difficult relationships in later adult life.

We know that every home environment is different and so is each child’s individual experience, however, this variety of experience notwithstanding, it is still possible to explore the effects generally of parentification and that is what I will be doing with both scenarios I’ve posted in this blog section.

I want to stress from the outset, they do not relate to any specific individuals. I am using these scenarios to help me expand and discuss the mental health issues and long-term life outcomes people can face having grown up in a parentified home environment.

The Go-Between – Children Resolving Their Parent’s Issues

This is sometimes called, ‘the peacemaker’ role too.  Typically, it is when parents in a home are driven to the point of conflict in their relationship that they will no longer communicate directly with each other, and the/a child is left quite literally as their ‘go-between. 

For this scenario, I’m using a character called Philip, he’s the youngest son (12) of four siblings and is still at home with two relatively older parents that will no longer speak to each other. This situation and conflict continues for months and sets up a long term parental dynamic that returns when other issues arise between them in future.

The cause of this emotionally damaging home environment for Philip is a relatively simple one.  Phillip’s Dad was supposed to give up smoking for health reasons but keeps sneaking out of the house to smoke a cigarette.  It isn’t just that there’s signs of Philip’s Dad breaking his promise, both he and his Mum have caught Dad smoking outside the house in plain sight but his dad will not admit he has been smoking. 

Not only is there no communication between his Mum and Dad but there is a persistently high level of tension and anger permeating through Philip’s home environment.  Every family occasion is used by each parent to try and punish the other, or to break the other’s willpower and get them to concede.   So, something as mundane as preparing dinner or getting ready for work is highly fraught and is the cause of increasing levels of anxiety, confusion, and exasperation for Philip.

What seems like a relatively simple issue to resolve is causing Philip to suffer excessive emotional and psychological harm.

All communication requests go through Philip.  ‘Philip, tell your Dad his dinner is ready’ or ‘Philip, tell your Dad I will be late home from work this afternoon’.  As well as being told to pass on more negative and vexatious comments to each parent in response. Consequently, he is anxious about the reaction he will get delivering the ‘messages’ from one parent to the other.  He is always on ‘alert’ that something is about to escalate and become heated between his parents. 

Consistently asking each parent to come together to resolve the conflict and for his Dad to admit his smoking is steadfastly ignored. 

Each parent is so angry with the other that neither of them have any concern for what Philip is feeling and experiencing.  Philip’s individual needs are not only being ignored but his psychological development and experience of being a child is being suppressed and seriously damaged. 

Philip is being his parent’s parent.

He is managing their individual emotional needs and is excessively occupied with keeping their psychological wellbeing in a state of equilibrium. Consequently, Philip spends most of his time at home trying to fix everything, to restore peace and to rescue his parent’s relationship.

Philip feels like he is failing his parents when it is, in fact, his parents failing him. It is worth remembering that Philip is just 12 years old.

Although some semblance of normal communications returns over the course of a year, the issue remains permanently unaddressed by Philip’s parents. Occasionally, over some mundane issue, things will escalate and the cycle of incommunicado returns, once again leaving Philip as his parent’s ‘go-between’. Philips lives out his childhood years in this dysfunctional and toxic home environment until the age of 17.

Where has the Real Philip Gone?

As Philip spends most of his time thinking ahead about the consequences of his parent’s interactions he cannot simply ‘live in the moment’ and be present within himself.  Philip’s engagement with the world around him, specifically in his home life, is predominantly externalised towards his parent’s needs. Philip doesn’t think of doing things that may nourish him, Philip is conditioned to think of nourishing others. Philip the 12 year old boy has gone.

Things that may have interested Philip, things that would allow him to develop his own likes and interests and grow into an identity of his own making are subsumed and then suppressed by living in this toxic home environment.

Fixing Everyone but Himself – Philip’s Life as an Adult

Although Philip has left home and begins his own life journey, he still finds himself driven by a need to never fail anyone or anything.  He finds himself his harshest judge and berates himself when something goes wrong, even when it isn’t his fault. Philip judges himself harshly in most aspects of his life and fails to see his successes and to reward himself emotionally, internally, by acknowledging he did something well. Philip lives in the future, not the present, only seeing how he could do better next time.

Philip is uncomfortable with any level of conflict or disagreement between his peers, work associates or even people he doesn’t know.  He will always intervene and try to ‘make peace’, to resolve the conflict.

We can sum up Philip’s psychological and emotional state as follows:

·         Feels a strong need to intervene when people disagree – he wants everyone to be happy.

·         Is driven by a fear of failure rather than a will to succeed.

·         Fails to understand that disagreeing is okay.

·         Fails to recognise that sometimes silence and reflection is okay.

·         Will over analyse and persist in talking things through to get an answer – worries if things are left ambiguous, unresolved.

·         Cannot recognise when his interventions are unhelpful and unwanted.

·         Punishes himself disproportionately when something goes wrong – reinforces his feelings of failure and makes his behaviour self-fulfilling.

·         Strives to make other people happy but can’t find internal happiness himself.

·         Overly sympathetic to others - struggles to say no to people, both loved ones, colleagues and even strangers.

·         Seems confident and sure about external matters/issues but fails to stand by his instincts when it matters most to him.

A Day in the Life of Philip

At some level, Philip’s traits make him a good friend to have around or colleague to work with.  However, these traits are not in balance, they are not working in harmony with his own needs and identity.

Consequently, Philip’s approach to relationships with other people often lead to a cycle of predictable events that frequently end in disappointment or even acrimoniously.

He is too frequently accused of interfering in other people’s personal matters.  Of being too intense. Of pushing things too far instead of letting them lie. He is often exploited by people that feed off his attention and willingness to help but gets hurt when the same investment or help is not reciprocated by others.  Sometimes he is blamed for causing the conflict he has engaged with.

Philip spends his life doing things he should enjoy but always focuses on doing it better next time, so even going on something like a holiday can be an exercise in planning the future rather than enjoying the present. Philip can’t seem to relax, be still, to just be calm.

When his help is rejected, Philip is confused and doesn’t really understand what has happened but more importantly, why this keeps happening. 

Helping Philip Recognise His Own Identity and Emotional Needs

It is an old adage but true, the first and often hardest step to change these destructive behavioural patterns in Philip’s life is to take affirmative action and begin counselling therapy.  As counsellors, we understand how challenging this first step is to improve your mental health and begin the healing process.  Our aim is to help people just like Philip start their journey into living a more fulfilling, positive, and rewarding lifestyle.

Breaking the Cycle – Talking Therapy at Omega Counselling

If you’ve read our blog on Sally, you will know by now that Omega Counselling specialises in what is called ‘talking therapy’.  This means when we counsel you by discussing your past and identifying what people have been formative in your (early) life and growth as a person and any key events that have been critical in shaping your identity.

In Philip’s case we see he is attracted to people in a state of conflict, he is drawn to people he thinks he can help.  It would be important in this case to encourage Philip to think how this instinctive reaction is always pushing out any consideration of what he needs from his relationships with other people.  How this peacemaker role means he does not explore the boundaries of his own identity, what relationships he might enjoy and develop with people if other aspects of his personality, his real identity were brought to the foreground rather than being suppressed. 

We would certainly explore why Philip doesn’t seem to have many or any friends that have notably happy lives with positive and strong identities. Why he isn’t attracted to people that navigate through life with few issues and generally without any major conflicts. It would be important to explore why Philip does not share friendships that enable doing interesting and positive things with them, activities that might fulfil his emotional needs and nourish his own suppressed identity.

Our process at Omega Counselling for any client is much like what we would do for Philip.

We would look at how particular social situations, relationships and events trigger his behaviour, such as:

·         Why he is overly attracted to people in some form of emotional conflict

·         Why he is not attracted to people with positive identities and happy lives

·         Does not make many real friendships and is awkward at casual social gatherings

·         Constantly alert and monitoring how other people are feeling – never relaxes

·         Deeply disappointed with himself when his help is rejected

·         He doesn’t understand why he remains unhappy, regardless of his helping others

·         Why he is reluctant to do or engage in things that might lead him to be happier

·         Understanding why it is okay to put himself first and not always in service of others

Part of this process with Philip will be exploring what other parts of his identity are being suppressed by his dominant, conditioned, peacemaker role. We will explore what ambitions and emotional needs he has but has never acted upon and, in doing so, we will help Philip recognise that he has his own identity, his real self to develop and live with and not the one created by his parentified childhood.

Philip will learn that it is okay to let people sort out their own conflicts and that this is a normal aspect of everyday life.

We will help Philip with his self-awareness and to build and put his own identity first. To recognise it is not his continuous obligation to make peace with everyone but to think about what is right for himself.  Through this process, Philip will learn to promote his own self needs and to begin to improve and support his own self-belief and identity.

I’m not suggesting this is an easy and simple journey, the process is not a straight line but we do know that it makes a real difference in people’s lives we help.

Philip, like many of our clients at Omega Counselling may only see us 3 or 4 times or he may choose to continue seeing us over a much longer period of time.

Our talking therapy sessions at Omega Counselling are always led by you, so you are always in control of how fast or how deep you want to go in your session. 

It is entirely down to you, you decide what is the right amount of help you need through this process of discovery and recovery of your real self.

If you would like to learn a little more about Talking Therapy and when it may be helpful to you, then you can read more about it here on the NHS website.

Omega Counselling – We are Here to Help

If you have been affected by reading this counselling scenario or it has triggered upsetting memories for you then I would encourage you to seek out medical help or find a counsellor that works for you.

If you want help from Omega Counselling, then we hold clinics in Manchester, Wigan, Chorley and Bolton, so we are easily accessible from most places in Lancashire.  

We do offer video conferencing for people that do not wish to attend in person too.

If you want to take control of your mental wellbeing and lead a more confident, positive and happier life then please get in touch with us and see if we can help you.  Your first consultation is free.